Dear America,
USA! USA! USA!! Yeah, America!!! Happy Birthday!! I love you!!!!
We at the Mayfair Business Association want to wish you and yours a very happy and safe July 4th!
I know you're all about freedom, protecting people's rights and stuff (which is awesome) but if you could, PLEASE work on making these types of people go away. Convince them there's a hot new cupcake place opening in the middle of the Gobi Desert or that St. Vincent (the band, not the street) is giving a free concert in a bar that's actually a wormhole to another dimension (so rad. we'll work out the deets lates). That and if you could, find it in your liberty loving heart to eliminate all the a-holes who've been shooting off fireworks since last week. I'm all about patriotism but when you're shooting off fireworks that sound like a shotgun/cannon blast and it wakes up my kids, pretty much everyone in the neighborhood is hoping your timing is off and you blow your damn hand apart. Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of freedom.
Baby, you're a firework!!
Best,
Flag Waving, Red, White, and Blue, BBQ'd little ol' Me
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