Monday, December 31, 2012

NYE at the GLP

Nothing says New Years Eve like a roofie hangover! YAY! Sound like the party you're going to tonight? 

How about we grow up, take the sophistication level up a notch, and enjoy some craft beers and good food? Welcome to the Grey Lodge Pub "A Totally Normal Night of the Year (aka New Year's Eve)" where pretty much no one gives a crap that Kanye knocked up Kim.

Starting Monday 12/31/12 at 6:00pm til Tuesday, January 1, 2013 (!!!) at 1:30am. Since the GLP usually throws a great party pretty much every night of the year, they decided to continue that tradition with New Years. 

Dress Code: Comfortable (no PJ pants slackers! Put on some jeans!!)
Cover Charge: Nonexistent. Spend your money on beer and yummy food.
Beer Line up: Nothing will be watered down here! The usual selection and some leftover Christmas Beers (Mad Elf anyone?)
Entertainment: Great conversation with your friends, chatting up random strangers with the same sense of fun as you, play some darts or watch the madness unfold in Times Square on the TV's (maybe). And the jukebox will be blaring quality tunes (no Skrillex). 
Food: The usual culinary deliciousness will be pumped out of the kitchen courtesy of the chefs. You know you want kiss those cheese steak spring rolls, handcut fries and fried pickles goodbye because your diet starts Tuesday. So if you are at a sucky party and want to bail, stop on by; Scoats and the crew will be there at the most laid back, chill NYE party ever.

Oh, and one more thing...Mummers Parade tomorrow!!!! Go Polish American String Band!! Strut your stuff boys!

Sunday, December 30, 2012


Not my sisters. WTF is with the chickens??
Christmas made me realize that I hate my sisters. 

I have 2 of them, Marianne and Judy, and we have a competition every year to see who can find the most horrible/offensive/tacky ornament and buy it for the other 2 sisters. My brother refuses to participate because, like all brothers, he thinks we're idiots (he has a point). However, this year we recruited his girlfriend, Jackie to participate so either way, his collection of ugly ornaments is starting out. Unfortunately, he's missed some past doozies but we'll make up for that real quick.

Now, let me explain something to you. I'm a bit anal about my whole Christmas decorating theme. Only white lights are allowed in my house and I'm a big fan of natural elements and vintage. I'm pretty much the (very) poor man's Martha Stewart. I think my sister Judy started the whole thing to eff with my decor because let's face it, she's a huge bitch. She bought me this horribly tacky disco bunting and demanded that I hang it on my tree. I think I was drunk at the time so I complied, and then the next year I bought her some misshapen lump of something as revenge. It was on the clearance rack in New Hope and I didn't even know what it was which made it perfect. The people at the counter tried to be nice about my joy at finding it and they must have thought I was mentally challenged cooing over this horrendous object like it was a diamond. And so it began.

The lump of something I got Judy. Still have no idea what that is.

Of course there are rules for the ornaments. They must be displayed on the tree every year regardless of how horrible they are. Each sister may enter the house of the other sister and ask where her ornament is and it must be pointed out. 

Here are some of the past year's winners from Judy:

Judy was in Japan that year.

Fat elephant on a little sled.

This fish is bigger than my hand.

Judy has an unfair advantage. Her husband Steve is an amazing artist and went to art school for jewelry design. Although he doesn't do jewelry design as a profession, he is a model maker. You know a lot of those collector figurines from movies (Aliens, Star Wars, etc.)? Yeah, Steve does the initial models for those before they go into mass production. He did the official Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow for "Pirates of the Caribbean". He's REALLY good. So naturally, Judy can come up with an idea in her deep, dark pit of a soul and commission Steve to do her bidding. This is also why I have these on my tree:

Tyrannosaurus holding a corn cob. A Steve original.

Yup. Clubbed baby seal bleeding from the head. Another Judy creation.

 Marianne is the dark horse. Judy and I are pretty upfront and honest about our twistedness and we cackle over it like witches. Although she joins in at times, Marianne is more the quiet observer; the planner. I kid you not when I say my father gave Marianne the nickname of "SBD" when she was younger; Silent but Deadly. So, Marianne may or may not be the female Dexter which is why when Judy and I pulled these out of the ornament gift bag last year we weren't the least bit surprised.

You should always be careful of the quiet ones because they'll hand you disembodied doll heads and expect you to hang them on your tree. My husband looked over the other day at the tree and I believe his exact words were "Dafuq is that creepy thing?".

Here are some more Marianne surprises:

Last year when I was browsing the clearance wait, let me go further back. My sisters HATE "Twilight" with every fiber of their being. They're what you might call literature snobs. I too, am a literature snob but nothing remotely CLOSE to what they are. (However, all three of us refuse to be one of Oprah's reading minions so you won't catch us anywhere NEAR her recommendations. When she listed "East of Eden" as one of her book club picks I almost went into mourning. I adore that book and people acted like she plucked it out of obscurity.) So anyway, my best friends Denise and Kathy read the Twilight series and recommended them. I, in hindsight, made the mistake of saying yes and read the entire "Twilight" series too.

And then I made my second grievous error. I went and saw the movies with Denise and Kathy which is akin to dipping puppies in hot oil in both my sister's eyes. (Aside: Denise goes to watch. Kathy and I like to play Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with every movie we see and usually wind up pissing off Denise and everyone around us while we cry laughing throughout the entire thing. Denise has learned her lesson and doesn't take us to see movies in the theater together anymore.)

So how were the books and the movies? OK. Not great, but an entertaining summer read and mediocre escapism that glitters when sun hits it. However, I learned my lesson and never again will I get caught up in the hype. (I'm looking at you "Fifty Shades of Grey") But NO! You can't tell my sisters that. I read the books, saw the movies with my friends, therefore I have Jacob and Edward posters hanging above my bed, wear Twilight t-shirts, secretly hope that my husband is a mythical creature, and I'm getting Twilight tattoos. I mentioned I HATE them both right?

A visual of what my sister's think I am, having tainted my mind with glittery filth.
 Back to the clearance racks last Christmas where I stumbled upon gold:

But I could only find ONE! NOOOOOOO!! How could the gods be so cruel!!?? Don't they realize I have TWO people who need horrible ornaments?

Well, I couldn't leave one sister without the beauty of having the most loathsome item she could think of hanging from her tree. So I was forced to make one. (Another Aside: If you haven't seen this "Bad Lip Reading--Twilight do yourself a favor. They're hysterical.)

I was rewarded with my sister Marianne audibly groaning when she opened up the Hallmark ornament and a "Are you effing serious?" Judy couldn't believe I took the time to actually print out and Modge Podge and glitter the crap out of it. Little does she realize, I would have walked to the ends of the earth to make her miserable.

Here is this year's haul:
Homemade Twilight Heart (with glitter!), Number 2 pencil, Grilled Cheese, PB and J, orange glitter rubber duck, Elvis dog, official Twilight, Gladiator Santa, Hot Dog

I was, in turn, given a grilled cheese sandwich AND a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ornament both of which my kids think are hilarious. I'm letting them play with them in the hopes that they get broken.

This is what I gave to Jackie and my brother:

Yup. It's an Elvis bulldog. With feather hair.
Welcome to the club.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Airing of Grievances

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. And as Frank Costanza famously said, "I gotta lot a problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it!"

Use this list as a little bit of inspiration before you bring your own list of grievances tonight to the Grey Lodge Pub starting at 6pm. You don't want to miss it! There will be a Festivus Pole and the Feats of Strength (with prizes). There will also be the greatest Holiday beers known to man: Goose Island Xmas, Great Lakes Xmas, Manayunk Festivus, Penn St. Nicholas Bock, Rogue Mogul Madness, Scaldis Noel, Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, Sly Fox Xmas, Troegs Mad Elf! It's a Festivus Miracle!!!!

1. Digital books

Don't try to convince me this is a good thing because I don't believe it. Ok, so maybe we'll save some trees and some money in education because it will be cheaper than replacing vast amounts of textbooks and blah, blah, blah. LIES. The replacement of vast amounts of the tangible printed word into something digital that can be edited and changed on a mass scale in the blink of an eye? Kinda scary if you think about it. When the revolution happens, I'll be sitting in front of the Library of Congress locked and loaded with my finger on the button and I will blow anyone away that happens to wander near me with a Kindle.  Clearly, I'll be allowed to do that because I'll be President at that point since I'm one of the fewer than 25,000 people in this country who still actually read and all your knowledge went up in digital smoke. I have this BOOK that shows me how to make fire, bitches. BOOM. That's the sound of your knees hitting the pavement. Worship me.

Now if you'll excuse me I'll go back to watching a marathon session of "Doomsday Preppers" while perusing land listings in North Dakota, MRE and custom bunker catalogs.

2. My children
We all knew this was coming. Let me tell you a story about my life "before children". Before I had children, I worked with brain injury patients. My job was to assess their cognitive and social strengths and weaknesses as a result of their injuries in preparation to return to the community and more importantly, their jobs.  I worked with a range of patients; basic customer service positions all the way up to company CEO's, lawyers, and pharmaceutical reps. I was good at my job. Damn good. And I loved it. Why? Mainly, because I got to boss people around and tell them what they were doing wrong and how to do it better? Yeah, kind of.

So anyway, I had decided when my oldest son was born that I was going to stay home with him until he was in first grade. Clearly I was more than up for the task of motherhood because I had 6 years worth of clinical psychology training (undergrad and grad, plus internships) under my belt. My children would be the shining models for cognitive-behavioral intervention and positive reinforcement. Who better to raise my kid than my own genius self?

This is a list of things I cannot get my darling children to do despite my best efforts:
  • Stop picking their nose and eating it. In the house. In the car. In public. EVERYWHERE.
  • Finish their entire dinner without breaking down and bribing them. 
  • Get dressed in the correct order. (We do this EVERY frickin day and EVERY day my 4 year old acts as if it's the first time he's ever heard the news that his underwear goes on before he puts his pants on.) 
  • Keep their shoes and socks on in the car. This is mainly my youngest and he KNOWS it sets me off. I've tried making him walk from the car into the house (Little effer found the only knee deep puddle in a 1 block radius and jumped in it. Grrrrrr!!) and apparently applying superglue to kid's feet is against some kind of law. He's an apocalyptic version of Johnny Appleseed; he doesn't plant and create things, he destroys them.

This is a list of things I do on a regular basis to deal with the above issues (please note NONE of this was in any of the expensive developmental psychology books and classes I attended.)
  • Scream and yell like a crazed person. 
  • Drink wine like I live on the street. 
  • Regularly flip them the bird behind their backs while muttering under my breath how it would be so easy to just run off to Mexico. Little ingrates.
  • Think about trading this mommy gig in to return to work and then realizing how much I would miss the insanity. *Sigh* I'm such a sucker.....   

3.  Tobey Maguire
I'm continuously baffled how he finds work as an actor. He may be a great person, secretly brilliant, and a wonderful human being but I REALLY don't get him or his supposed acting prowess. The only thing that I think he was remotely good in was the opening scene in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" mostly because he had a total screen time of about 3 minutes and Johnny Depp and Benecio Del Toro dominated the scene by tripping balls. Keanu Reeves is a better actor than Tobey Maguire and that's saying A LOT. At least Keanu occasionally inflects (I. am. an. F.B.I agent!) and has the tiniest of sparks behind the eyes. I was all excited when I saw that they're doing a new version of "The Great Gatsby" because I LOOOOVE anything F.Scott Fitzgerald and the party chapter of the book may be one of the greatest things I've ever read. Then I found out Tobey was in it. Done. Killed it for me completely. If I want to watch somebody stare with dull, lifeless eyes and an open mouth for 2 hours, I'll take myself on the El to watch the junkies coming down off their fix for free.
This guy has a net worth of $75 million dollars. Let that soak in for a minute.

4. People who wear tights/leggings as pants. 
If it says "tights" or "leggings" on the package when you bought them, they're see-through and meant to be worn in conjunction with something. Preferably, a long shirt that covers your ass. Do you own a mirror, look in it and say "Well, I can kinda see all of my underwear but that's ok, I guess. My shirt sort of covers it." It doesn't. We can all see IT. Put on some shorts or even (perish the thought) some pj pants; you aren't Lady Gaga.


Dear God....NO!!!

5. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.

6.  The Dutch. All of them.
Thanks for those 2, I was struggling.

7.  People who get random celebrities tattooed on themselves. Exhibits below.

HUGE fan of pudding pops! HUGE.

Happy little tattoo....

Now THAT'S a mullet!


WOW. Dear God woman....

O.M.G. O.D.B.

She tells me what to read and now Oprah demands that I tattoo her on my body!!! I will obey!!

8. People who use the self-checkout line and then look to you for help because they don't know how to use the self-checkout line---THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE CASHIERS, YOU DUMB F**CK!!!!

Monday, December 17, 2012


Your house isn't festive enough!! You need more decorations. 

You're in luck because Torresdale Flowers is having a sale this week! 20% off poinsettias. They make great gifts for teachers, friends, and neighbors and Antoniette has a selection of colors to chose from.

Stop by at 7332 Frankford Avenue to pick yours up today!

Fifty Shades of Red and Green

You're pathetic. Seriously.

That title alone made you click on this link hoping for some kind of kinky XXXmas reindeer games? Congratulations. You're putty in my hands, Christmas creeper.

Well now that I've got you here I can share my true intentions.

Welcome to the Mayfair MBA, "Spank Me, I've been Naughty (and Nice but mostly Naughty)" List.

(***Please note: Any and all Naughty features of the MBA members stated by this blog are completely fictional and made up in the black evil vaccumm that is my mind for entertainment value only. I am indeed naughty. I've made my peace with it and don't expect Santa to show up ever again.)


Saving your money for a rainy day at one of our MBA bank members (3rd Federal, Beneficial, Freedom Credit Union, Police and Fire Federal Credit Union, Viriva). Save yourself millions so you can give charitably to The Orphaned and Maimed Kitties Fund and become the patron saint of a step down program created for former WOW (World of Warcraft for you non-nerds) addicts and their reintroduction into society. (Is that sunlight? It BURNS!! Are those GIRLS? Gahhhh!)

Cocaine and hooker party!!


Get insurance. Get into a car/cosplay/jet skiing/zipper accident. Reap the financial rewards of planning ahead you frickin' genius, because you called MBA members America Insurance Agency, The Perzel Agency, Sharon Owens/State Farm Insurance and Daley Auto Tags and got yourself covered from top to tails.You cash that monster payout at ESK Financial and go home to roll around on your bed covered in hundreds like Demi Moore in "Indecent Proposal." You treat your dog to a full spa day in the Bow Wow Meow Pet Mobile.

Don't get insurance and wind up eating cat food through a tube as your main meal at least 3 nights a week. Me-OWWW!

Personal Beauty

You get your hair did, your caterpillar eyebrows shaped, and your talons and piggies painted on a regular basis at BellaLisa Hair Studios, Michele's Family Hair Care, and LB's Cuts; you get your coffee stained teeth whitened and taken care of at Dr. Jeffrey Berger's dental office; you spray tan your chalky tush at Malibu Beach; you buy and ingest organic food and lather up with all natural bath and body products from Stan's Health Foods; and you get regular adjustments and massages and Avenue Chiropractic. People want to have sex with you. All. The. Time.

You don't do any of the above and you look like this.

People want to put you in a cage and poke you with sticks. Carnies want to have sex with you whether you want to or not.

Style and Swagger

You're wildly good looking thanks to the regular grooming regimen mentioned above. However we are living in a material world and I am a material girl (MATERI-AAA-AL) so this means nothing because you have no swag, no style. Style abounds on the Avenue and no, I'm not talking about the adults walking around in PJ pants at noon (Aside: REALLY? Last time I checked jeans are no harder to put on than pajamas and you don't look like a complete slob. Have some pride. No grown ass woman should be wearing pink and purple striped "Hello Kitty" pants while buying a full cart of groceries at 3pm unless someone broke into your house and stole all your pants. And IF that's the case you should be walking around apologizing and saying "I'm so sorry I look like this....someone stole all my pants."). Well, there is your Christmas rant and now back to the point. What were we talking about? Oh Art History 101, Headquarters, Tacony Gear, and Lloyd's Sixsmith's have the style piece covered with sports wear, original art and t-shirts.

So let me get this straight? You DO like sex with carnies? *shudder* You know what carnies are right? I'm not talking HBO's 'Carnivale' carnies....those were mostly good looking people PLAYING carnies. People who wear PJ pants outside of their house after 10am like sex with carnies. Just sayin....

Hey gurl. Them pj pants is hot!

The Art of Seduction

Dangerously good looking? Check.
So fresh and so clean-clean? Check.
Swagger? Check.

Let's go dancing and meet pretty girls. Just hand holding!! Gotta leave room for the Holy Spirit!!

The above checklist? Check.
Dinner (Emma's Cafe, Frusco's, Gino's Pizza Cafe, Santucci's Square Pizza, Wawa)
Flowers (Torresdale Flowers),
Jewelry (Infinity Gifts and Beyond/Infinity Jewelers) 
Trinkets (Giggles Gifts, Inc.)
Romantic Music (Pat's Music Center)

You = Getting laid. Totally laid. Hard.


You're going to go out and drink responsibly with friends. You'll hit the regular places; Christy's Tavern, Hammerheads Sports Pub, The Grey Lodge Pub, and Rauchut's Tavern for a merry time! You'll go home and sleep alone, wake up at 9am STD free, and go for a brisk and invigorating jog, contemplating how wonderful life is. Later on you'll go volunteer at a soup kitchen and pray for world peace.
What's the secret ingredient, Alice? Grain alcohol.
You had you're own little Jingle Ball Shuttle and were giving h-jibbers in your car in front of a group of Catholic school children. What were they doing out that late? Wait. It was NOON? OMG......

New transportation

You'll buy a bike from Liberty Bell Bicycle to go green and save the earth, the trees, and all the cute little forest animals. You will sing to them like a Disney princess and be surrounded by their furry little love!

Because of your drinking and subsequent ummmm....whatever that was, the interior of your car looks like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress so your trade-in value is non-existent and even the freaks on Craigslist aren't buying. You need a bike.


Great news! You didn't die of embarrassment especially after all of the kids posted their cell phone pics and videos (yaaaay. technology.) to Facebook. So you don't need to utilize the services of John F. Fleur and Sons or Robert L. Mannal Funeral Home.

Dude. I know! I mean, who does that in the middle of the day? I got her number though....

All your neighbors point and laugh behind your back and you're banned from going anywhere near the local elementary schools and day cares, including MBA member Guppies Childcare Center.  Your neighbors also pooled all their money together and got a HUGE banner that says  "Handy Manny Lives Here" from Aztec Signs and installed it on your lawn. Jerks. You're tempted to walk over to John and Debbie's house and tell Debbie that John has been schtupping Angie down the block but you refrain. You'll send it in an anonymous Christmas card instead and call Keller Williams and REMAX City and Suburban Realtors because you want to stay in Mayfair but may need to move to a new block.

New Digs? New Stuff!!

New window treatments from ACME Window Shade Company in all the windows to keep out the nosy new neighbors. You've stocked your new house with groceries and goodies from Mayfair Shop n Bag, F &J Mini Mart and H&C Produce and Grocery. And you're in luck! That vintage painting that you picked up for $10 at Buy & Save Resale is actually a collaboration piece by Renoir, Jackson Pollack and Andrew Wyeth. How is that even possible you ask?? It's art, baby....anything is possible. Congratulations! You're a gazillionaire.


You've decided to make a design statement and go with the Whoville houses after the Grinch finished stripping them bare. Old mattress on the floor, wire on the walls and one multi-use pan. Since you have no window treatments in the house the police have been called because the neighbors think you're a squatter. Have fun spending Christmas in lock-up!
Home sweet crack house.

And finally there is nothing naughty about these MBA members at all; Autistic Endeavors, Congresswoman Allyson Schwartz, Councilman Bobby Henon, Cooper and Schall, P.C., and Representative Kevin Boyle! They are as pure as snow and sweet as cupcakes. It has nothing to do with the fact that 4 out of 5 of them are politicians and lawyers...why would you even ask that?? Although I did hear that Kevin Boyle recently got a huge back tattoo that Bobby Henon drew. But, unless I see pictures it didn't happen because everything on the interwebs is true!

Well, what do you know.....I love Google!

You crazy politicians, you!!