Monday, December 17, 2012

Fifty Shades of Red and Green

You're pathetic. Seriously.

That title alone made you click on this link hoping for some kind of kinky XXXmas reindeer games? Congratulations. You're putty in my hands, Christmas creeper.

Well now that I've got you here I can share my true intentions.

Welcome to the Mayfair MBA, "Spank Me, I've been Naughty (and Nice but mostly Naughty)" List.

(***Please note: Any and all Naughty features of the MBA members stated by this blog are completely fictional and made up in the black evil vaccumm that is my mind for entertainment value only. I am indeed naughty. I've made my peace with it and don't expect Santa to show up ever again.)


Saving your money for a rainy day at one of our MBA bank members (3rd Federal, Beneficial, Freedom Credit Union, Police and Fire Federal Credit Union, Viriva). Save yourself millions so you can give charitably to The Orphaned and Maimed Kitties Fund and become the patron saint of a step down program created for former WOW (World of Warcraft for you non-nerds) addicts and their reintroduction into society. (Is that sunlight? It BURNS!! Are those GIRLS? Gahhhh!)

Cocaine and hooker party!!


Get insurance. Get into a car/cosplay/jet skiing/zipper accident. Reap the financial rewards of planning ahead you frickin' genius, because you called MBA members America Insurance Agency, The Perzel Agency, Sharon Owens/State Farm Insurance and Daley Auto Tags and got yourself covered from top to tails.You cash that monster payout at ESK Financial and go home to roll around on your bed covered in hundreds like Demi Moore in "Indecent Proposal." You treat your dog to a full spa day in the Bow Wow Meow Pet Mobile.

Don't get insurance and wind up eating cat food through a tube as your main meal at least 3 nights a week. Me-OWWW!

Personal Beauty

You get your hair did, your caterpillar eyebrows shaped, and your talons and piggies painted on a regular basis at BellaLisa Hair Studios, Michele's Family Hair Care, and LB's Cuts; you get your coffee stained teeth whitened and taken care of at Dr. Jeffrey Berger's dental office; you spray tan your chalky tush at Malibu Beach; you buy and ingest organic food and lather up with all natural bath and body products from Stan's Health Foods; and you get regular adjustments and massages and Avenue Chiropractic. People want to have sex with you. All. The. Time.

You don't do any of the above and you look like this.

People want to put you in a cage and poke you with sticks. Carnies want to have sex with you whether you want to or not.

Style and Swagger

You're wildly good looking thanks to the regular grooming regimen mentioned above. However we are living in a material world and I am a material girl (MATERI-AAA-AL) so this means nothing because you have no swag, no style. Style abounds on the Avenue and no, I'm not talking about the adults walking around in PJ pants at noon (Aside: REALLY? Last time I checked jeans are no harder to put on than pajamas and you don't look like a complete slob. Have some pride. No grown ass woman should be wearing pink and purple striped "Hello Kitty" pants while buying a full cart of groceries at 3pm unless someone broke into your house and stole all your pants. And IF that's the case you should be walking around apologizing and saying "I'm so sorry I look like this....someone stole all my pants."). Well, there is your Christmas rant and now back to the point. What were we talking about? Oh Art History 101, Headquarters, Tacony Gear, and Lloyd's Sixsmith's have the style piece covered with sports wear, original art and t-shirts.

So let me get this straight? You DO like sex with carnies? *shudder* You know what carnies are right? I'm not talking HBO's 'Carnivale' carnies....those were mostly good looking people PLAYING carnies. People who wear PJ pants outside of their house after 10am like sex with carnies. Just sayin....

Hey gurl. Them pj pants is hot!

The Art of Seduction

Dangerously good looking? Check.
So fresh and so clean-clean? Check.
Swagger? Check.

Let's go dancing and meet pretty girls. Just hand holding!! Gotta leave room for the Holy Spirit!!

The above checklist? Check.
Dinner (Emma's Cafe, Frusco's, Gino's Pizza Cafe, Santucci's Square Pizza, Wawa)
Flowers (Torresdale Flowers),
Jewelry (Infinity Gifts and Beyond/Infinity Jewelers) 
Trinkets (Giggles Gifts, Inc.)
Romantic Music (Pat's Music Center)

You = Getting laid. Totally laid. Hard.


You're going to go out and drink responsibly with friends. You'll hit the regular places; Christy's Tavern, Hammerheads Sports Pub, The Grey Lodge Pub, and Rauchut's Tavern for a merry time! You'll go home and sleep alone, wake up at 9am STD free, and go for a brisk and invigorating jog, contemplating how wonderful life is. Later on you'll go volunteer at a soup kitchen and pray for world peace.
What's the secret ingredient, Alice? Grain alcohol.
You had you're own little Jingle Ball Shuttle and were giving h-jibbers in your car in front of a group of Catholic school children. What were they doing out that late? Wait. It was NOON? OMG......

New transportation

You'll buy a bike from Liberty Bell Bicycle to go green and save the earth, the trees, and all the cute little forest animals. You will sing to them like a Disney princess and be surrounded by their furry little love!

Because of your drinking and subsequent ummmm....whatever that was, the interior of your car looks like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress so your trade-in value is non-existent and even the freaks on Craigslist aren't buying. You need a bike.


Great news! You didn't die of embarrassment especially after all of the kids posted their cell phone pics and videos (yaaaay. technology.) to Facebook. So you don't need to utilize the services of John F. Fleur and Sons or Robert L. Mannal Funeral Home.

Dude. I know! I mean, who does that in the middle of the day? I got her number though....

All your neighbors point and laugh behind your back and you're banned from going anywhere near the local elementary schools and day cares, including MBA member Guppies Childcare Center.  Your neighbors also pooled all their money together and got a HUGE banner that says  "Handy Manny Lives Here" from Aztec Signs and installed it on your lawn. Jerks. You're tempted to walk over to John and Debbie's house and tell Debbie that John has been schtupping Angie down the block but you refrain. You'll send it in an anonymous Christmas card instead and call Keller Williams and REMAX City and Suburban Realtors because you want to stay in Mayfair but may need to move to a new block.

New Digs? New Stuff!!

New window treatments from ACME Window Shade Company in all the windows to keep out the nosy new neighbors. You've stocked your new house with groceries and goodies from Mayfair Shop n Bag, F &J Mini Mart and H&C Produce and Grocery. And you're in luck! That vintage painting that you picked up for $10 at Buy & Save Resale is actually a collaboration piece by Renoir, Jackson Pollack and Andrew Wyeth. How is that even possible you ask?? It's art, baby....anything is possible. Congratulations! You're a gazillionaire.


You've decided to make a design statement and go with the Whoville houses after the Grinch finished stripping them bare. Old mattress on the floor, wire on the walls and one multi-use pan. Since you have no window treatments in the house the police have been called because the neighbors think you're a squatter. Have fun spending Christmas in lock-up!
Home sweet crack house.

And finally there is nothing naughty about these MBA members at all; Autistic Endeavors, Congresswoman Allyson Schwartz, Councilman Bobby Henon, Cooper and Schall, P.C., and Representative Kevin Boyle! They are as pure as snow and sweet as cupcakes. It has nothing to do with the fact that 4 out of 5 of them are politicians and lawyers...why would you even ask that?? Although I did hear that Kevin Boyle recently got a huge back tattoo that Bobby Henon drew. But, unless I see pictures it didn't happen because everything on the interwebs is true!

Well, what do you know.....I love Google!

You crazy politicians, you!!

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