Sunday, December 30, 2012


Not my sisters. WTF is with the chickens??
Christmas made me realize that I hate my sisters. 

I have 2 of them, Marianne and Judy, and we have a competition every year to see who can find the most horrible/offensive/tacky ornament and buy it for the other 2 sisters. My brother refuses to participate because, like all brothers, he thinks we're idiots (he has a point). However, this year we recruited his girlfriend, Jackie to participate so either way, his collection of ugly ornaments is starting out. Unfortunately, he's missed some past doozies but we'll make up for that real quick.

Now, let me explain something to you. I'm a bit anal about my whole Christmas decorating theme. Only white lights are allowed in my house and I'm a big fan of natural elements and vintage. I'm pretty much the (very) poor man's Martha Stewart. I think my sister Judy started the whole thing to eff with my decor because let's face it, she's a huge bitch. She bought me this horribly tacky disco bunting and demanded that I hang it on my tree. I think I was drunk at the time so I complied, and then the next year I bought her some misshapen lump of something as revenge. It was on the clearance rack in New Hope and I didn't even know what it was which made it perfect. The people at the counter tried to be nice about my joy at finding it and they must have thought I was mentally challenged cooing over this horrendous object like it was a diamond. And so it began.

The lump of something I got Judy. Still have no idea what that is.

Of course there are rules for the ornaments. They must be displayed on the tree every year regardless of how horrible they are. Each sister may enter the house of the other sister and ask where her ornament is and it must be pointed out. 

Here are some of the past year's winners from Judy:

Judy was in Japan that year.

Fat elephant on a little sled.

This fish is bigger than my hand.

Judy has an unfair advantage. Her husband Steve is an amazing artist and went to art school for jewelry design. Although he doesn't do jewelry design as a profession, he is a model maker. You know a lot of those collector figurines from movies (Aliens, Star Wars, etc.)? Yeah, Steve does the initial models for those before they go into mass production. He did the official Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow for "Pirates of the Caribbean". He's REALLY good. So naturally, Judy can come up with an idea in her deep, dark pit of a soul and commission Steve to do her bidding. This is also why I have these on my tree:

Tyrannosaurus holding a corn cob. A Steve original.

Yup. Clubbed baby seal bleeding from the head. Another Judy creation.

 Marianne is the dark horse. Judy and I are pretty upfront and honest about our twistedness and we cackle over it like witches. Although she joins in at times, Marianne is more the quiet observer; the planner. I kid you not when I say my father gave Marianne the nickname of "SBD" when she was younger; Silent but Deadly. So, Marianne may or may not be the female Dexter which is why when Judy and I pulled these out of the ornament gift bag last year we weren't the least bit surprised.

You should always be careful of the quiet ones because they'll hand you disembodied doll heads and expect you to hang them on your tree. My husband looked over the other day at the tree and I believe his exact words were "Dafuq is that creepy thing?".

Here are some more Marianne surprises:

Last year when I was browsing the clearance wait, let me go further back. My sisters HATE "Twilight" with every fiber of their being. They're what you might call literature snobs. I too, am a literature snob but nothing remotely CLOSE to what they are. (However, all three of us refuse to be one of Oprah's reading minions so you won't catch us anywhere NEAR her recommendations. When she listed "East of Eden" as one of her book club picks I almost went into mourning. I adore that book and people acted like she plucked it out of obscurity.) So anyway, my best friends Denise and Kathy read the Twilight series and recommended them. I, in hindsight, made the mistake of saying yes and read the entire "Twilight" series too.

And then I made my second grievous error. I went and saw the movies with Denise and Kathy which is akin to dipping puppies in hot oil in both my sister's eyes. (Aside: Denise goes to watch. Kathy and I like to play Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with every movie we see and usually wind up pissing off Denise and everyone around us while we cry laughing throughout the entire thing. Denise has learned her lesson and doesn't take us to see movies in the theater together anymore.)

So how were the books and the movies? OK. Not great, but an entertaining summer read and mediocre escapism that glitters when sun hits it. However, I learned my lesson and never again will I get caught up in the hype. (I'm looking at you "Fifty Shades of Grey") But NO! You can't tell my sisters that. I read the books, saw the movies with my friends, therefore I have Jacob and Edward posters hanging above my bed, wear Twilight t-shirts, secretly hope that my husband is a mythical creature, and I'm getting Twilight tattoos. I mentioned I HATE them both right?

A visual of what my sister's think I am, having tainted my mind with glittery filth.
 Back to the clearance racks last Christmas where I stumbled upon gold:

But I could only find ONE! NOOOOOOO!! How could the gods be so cruel!!?? Don't they realize I have TWO people who need horrible ornaments?

Well, I couldn't leave one sister without the beauty of having the most loathsome item she could think of hanging from her tree. So I was forced to make one. (Another Aside: If you haven't seen this "Bad Lip Reading--Twilight do yourself a favor. They're hysterical.)

I was rewarded with my sister Marianne audibly groaning when she opened up the Hallmark ornament and a "Are you effing serious?" Judy couldn't believe I took the time to actually print out and Modge Podge and glitter the crap out of it. Little does she realize, I would have walked to the ends of the earth to make her miserable.

Here is this year's haul:
Homemade Twilight Heart (with glitter!), Number 2 pencil, Grilled Cheese, PB and J, orange glitter rubber duck, Elvis dog, official Twilight, Gladiator Santa, Hot Dog

I was, in turn, given a grilled cheese sandwich AND a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ornament both of which my kids think are hilarious. I'm letting them play with them in the hopes that they get broken.

This is what I gave to Jackie and my brother:

Yup. It's an Elvis bulldog. With feather hair.
Welcome to the club.


cjrmommy said...

OMG! I enjoyed this so much....I sat here laughing hysterically! I would love to try a similar tradition in my family! Keep up the good work!

cjrmommy said...

Love it!!! I sat here laughing hysterically! I definitely want to try this in my family! What fun we will have!!! Keep up the good work!