***(Disclaimer: not in any way affiliated with the Talk-Show-Host-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named for fear of being sued. (Psst! Her name begins with O and ends with PRAH.)
Heaven knows you need a mani, pedi, and highlights stat because you = hot mess. Let the professionals at Bellalisa Studios, Michele's Family Hair Care, and Sharp Decisions Hair Care handle this one.
Gentlemen, a word. Your ladies love flowers. They may say "Snuggle Kitten, you shouldn't have" but inside they're bragging to their stupid friends about how faaaaaabulous and sensitive you are. Stein's and Torresdale Flower Shop will hook you up with beautiful blooms all year long, Snuggle Kitten. (I hope for your sake, she doesn't call you that in front of your friends.)
An extra 10 pounds for the holidays!
Just continue the holiday food glutton fest because you have about a week until those New Years diet resolutions start and you'll be having an emotional breakdown over your vegan flaxseed salad dreaming about Frusco's steaks, the Original Soft Pretzel Factory, Gino's Pizza Cafe, Santucci's and Wawa. C'mon fat kid....live a little.
Let's face it, the closest you are ever getting to a six pack is at the actual Six Pack Store based on your complete lack of will power at above mentioned restaurants.
Ooh. Ooh. Let's stop at Rauchut's Tavern too! You know you LOVE shuffleboard. Who doesn't? Mainly communists, but that's conversation fodder for a different night.
Craft Beer and Gastro-pub fare
Well, you're all in so you might as well lay all the cards out on the table at the Grey Lodge Pub. And nothing says Christmas like rubbing your superior intellect in your friend's faces at Quizzo on Wednesday nights. Boo-yah!!
Awkward Medical Conversations
Well now that we're all liquored up, you can ask Suzann St. Marie, owner of UPIC (and one of the organizers of the Mayfair-Holmesburg Thanksgiving Parade) what she does for a living. It's all medical and complicated and makes my brain hurt.
New window shades!
Mama needs all new shades for her house so she can spy inconspicuously on the neighbors. Acme Window Shade company will provide all the coverage you need, snoopy.
H.U.G.E. lawn signs
I'm talking "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus" signs that can be seen from space. You're up Aztec Signs and Sign-O-Rama; so let it be written, so let it be done!
You get a house in Mayfair, and YOU (pointing) get a house in Mayfair, and YOU (more pointing) GET A HOUSE IN MAYFAIR! (See previously posted disclaimer)
I'm buying everyone on my Christmas list a house in Mayfair from Prudential Prime Real Estate and Re-Max City and Suburban Realtors.
All types of Insurance
Well, this is awkward...Did I mention that you have to pay for all the taxes, fees, etc that go along with my house "gift" to you? NO? Oopsie! Well, the fine folks at American Insurance Agency, The Perzel Agency and State Farm Insurance will be the spoonful of sugar for that little bit of medicine.
Dolla, Dolla, Dolla bills (y'all)
AND you also need to pay the mortgage on a monthly basis for my "gift". Why are you looking at me like that? Sheesh! Nobody is ever grateful anymore! I'm giving you Santa's "Nice List" of banks and financial planners in the area; 3rd Federal Bank, Beneficial Bank, ESK Financial, First Trust, Freedom Credit Union, Republic Bank, and Viriva Credit Union. No coal in their stocking--EVER!! You're welcome.
A Fully Planned Funeral
Dark? Perhaps. But let's be honest, what do you get for the person who has everything already? Or you get it for your annoying hipster nephew who yaps constantly about the capitalist takeover of Christmas and the complete lack of originality in gift giving anymore (insert eye roll here). Robert L. Mannal Funeral Home and Lambie Funeral Home will give you those precious few minutes of silence while he sulks and ponders the irony of the whole situation.
Dental Work? Are you crazy? Maybe (Definitely). But who's going to take care of that crown you cracked on Aunt Betty's homemade fruit cake? Dr. Jeffrey Berger, DDS....that's who!
The Gift of Time
You say "I need more hours in the day". I say "They're at Henry's of Mayfair!" He's got a TON of hours in there. That place is covered in clocks.
A Shiny Red Bicycle
With streamers on the handle bars and a banana seat, and a basket and ooooh!! a bell!!! And a card between the spokes...oh boy! Alright, enough, we get it. Heading to Liberty Bell Bicycles....
Do you need them for a bike? Who cares! I'm getting vanity plates that say something awesome like VNTYPL8 or WHSURDD. Daley's Auto Tags will hook you up with everything you need for things with wheels!
Christmas Cards and Cute Holiday Decor
You know you need it and you need a TON of it! Giggles Gifts, Inc. and Infinity Gifts and Beyond has ALL of it. No worries. Pick me up one of those green Flyers t-shirts while you're at it. You know which ones I'm talking about.
OMG...I'm exhausted and my back is killing me! Take me to Avenue Chiropractic...I need an adjustment and some TLC. Help!!
Worthy Causes and Civic Involvement
Get involved in your neighborhood and visit 3 of our newest elected city officials located on Frankford Ave, Kevin Boyle, Al Schmidt and Bobby Henon. Go say "Hi, congratulations, and what can I do to help?" You can also volunteer your time or make donations for two fabulous MBA organizations who have devoted themselves to helping others; Evangelical Manor and Autistic Endeavors. There is no material gift that can compare to spending time helping others. No, I'm not crying...those are melted snowflakes. Godblessuseveryone! *sniff*
Merry Christmas from all of us in the Mayfair Business Association! Hope to see you all out and about on the Avenue with full shopping bags and don't forget many of these fine businesses offer gift cards and gift certificates! Cheers!