Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Not to panic you but did you hear that the world is supposedly ending in 2012? Are you ready ? Pffft. Yeah, I agree. Stupid Mayans. What do they know? If it does happen, I figure we have a good couple of months and I have better things to do than stockpile weapons, bottled water, ammo and canned goods. Besides, I'm just going to come to your house and steal what you've stockpiled while you're out at the store getting more. Sure it's not fair, but it's Darwinian theory at it's most base. You can't just leave that stuff unguarded! Shame on YOU!

Well, I figured I would make a couple of resolutions in any case to pass the time:

1. I will recruit more followers for the Mayfair Business Association blog. Seriously, I have 10 followers and one of them is me. Be my follower! I promise to try and entertain you as much as I can and keep you updated on all the good stuff that is going on in and around Mayfair. I have plenty of guns and canned peaches, I'm a benevolent leader (sort of), and I won't make you drink any Kool-Aid. I also promise to make you a part of my undead zombie army when the world ends in December 2012.

2. I will eat an entire pint of Bassett's ice cream while watching "The Biggest Loser" and resist the urge to run the entire 3 mile loop around Pennypack.

3. I will subsequently also resist the urge to scour my house with bleach and a toothbrush after watching "Hoarders".

4. I promise to shop in one of the many local Mayfair business at least 3 times a week if not more. C'mon! It's really not that hard! You like pizza, groceries, getting your hair cut, beer, banks, flowers right? Of course you do. It's all on the Avenue guys. Go get it! Plus you need supplies...lots of supplies. Remember I stole yours? Yeah.

5. I will stop inserting "Anchorman" movie quotes into my regular conversation.

6. I will join the good fight with Milt Martelack Jr., honorably bestowed "Sheriff of Mayfair" and president of the newly formed Mayfair Town Watch to fight the zombie hoards (a.k.a. drunk, unruly teenagers having keggers in the woods, neighborhood vandals, and the like). I'm not promising anything but maybe you could be knighted for your valor. Just sayin.....

7. I will pray to Jesus, Budda, Allah, etc. that the cast of The Jersey Shore are at a party with the Kardashian clan and a huge plane carrying the Pittsburgh Penguins and the New York Giants crashes into them and there are no survivors. (what. a. tragedy.)

8. I will become more active in my neighborhood by volunteering my time with either the Mayfair Business Association, Mayfair Civic Association, and of course Mayfair Town Watch (see above resolution). You are not allowed to complain about the state of the neighborhood if you're sitting on your butt playing "Words With Friends" all day. You may think, "What do I have to contribute?" I say " A LOT! But we won't be able to find a way to maximize your blinding and limitless talents unless we actually meet you." Come to a meeting, meet the talented, motivated and dedicated people already in these organizations and tell us all the things you tell your neighbors prior to putting up a for-sale sign. Chances are other people are going through the same crap.

Silence and apathy solve no problems and we can find a way to fix it.

Good neighborhoods are built on neighbors helping each other out.

That's what Mayfair was. That's what Mayfair is. That's what Mayfair will be.

Chills right? Ultimately I pictured myself wearing a kilt, with my face painted blue, riding a horse while saying that. I guess I'll save that for my first night on Town Watch. I'm in a glass cage of emotion! DAMMIT! One resolution down.....

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