Monday, April 23, 2012

Financial Temptations

Tucked into the hundreds of other pieces of flattering fan mail I receive on a weekly basis was this very truthful and poignant letter. Here's what it read:

Dear Mia,

I don't know if you know this but you are a brilliant and funny blogger(I do, but stop it. No, go on.)

Because of your brilliance, star quality, and rabid fan-base we here at Republic Bank would like to try to tempt you away from your current bank. We have so many things we can offer you in the way of great deals, a checking and savings account and all sorts of financial perks.


Randy from Republic Bank

I was intrigued and Randy obviously knew that flattery regarding my razor sharp wit and wisdom was definitely my Achilles Heel. He does not in fact know about my weakness for margaritas and trashy celeb mags but I'm sure it's a matter of time before baskets of tequila, limes and STAR magazine subscriptions start showing up at my door (HINT. HINT). So I immediately decided to call him up to discuss terms.

Here is how the conversation went;
Me: I would like to speak to Rrrrrrrrrrrandy from Rrrrrrrrepublic Bank please. (I can roll my R's like nobody's business--my Spanish teacher was always impressed.)
Receptionist at Republic (so tempting to roll the r's--I'll spare you): Um, ok...Randy, some insane person is on the phone for you.
Randy: Hello?
Me: Randy, it's me. I'm calling to discuss the terms of transferring my vast international wealth into your bank. Of course, since I have so much money, I think I'm actually going to only transfer half of it to you because your bank vault may not be big enough.
Randy: Who is this again?
Me: Duh. It's me. Sooooo, before I make this decision I need to ask you a few questions. Some of them may seem irrelevant but I ask that you answer them in the most honest way you can. You may have to cancel your morning so I'll hold.
Randy: Uh. No...let's get this over with.
Me: Your enthusiasm is infectious, Randy. Ok, first question. How long has Republic Bank been in business and how long have you been with them?
Randy: We have been in the Philadelphia area for 27 years and I have been in banking for 12 years.
Me: Wow! That's a year longer than I've been alive! Amazing! Do you live in the Northeast?
Randy: No, I live in NJ but 12 out of my 17 employees live in the Northeast.
Me: Ok, well I forgive you for living in Jersey. I mean you seem like a really nice guy...not sure why you would do that to yourself but I'm willing to overlook that for your employees sake.
Randy: Alright. Thanks?
Me: What do you like best about doing business in the fabulous Mayfair community?
Randy: Well, we really like being part of the community – we have held/sponsored events from PSPCA dog Adopt-A-Thon to pictures with Santa.
Me: And don't and a bunch of your employees recently helped us out a ton with the the Mayfair Memorial Playground Easter Egg Hunt which was awesome. You were also one of our major sponsors for the t-shirts that we sold! You didn't wear bunny ears though which I found to be a little odd.
Randy: Well, you know, the pink didn't really match my shirt.
Me: Good point. It's tough being a slave to fashion at times. I feel your pain. So anyway, what's your current favorite thing/project in your store/business right now?
Randy: We have Free Coin Counting which is really cool and Free Personal and Business Checking.
Me: I like it. Ain't nothing better than knowing how much the gallon full of pennies I've been collecting for 10 years is worth. One last question; what's your favorite business in Mayfair?
Randy: Of course it's Butcher Boys.
Me: It's the sandwiches isn't it? They are like a siren song. That and the fact that they have Stock's loaf cakes there, amiright?
Randy: Yeah. Totally. (*whispering while trying to unsuccessfully cover up the mouthpiece) *Can someone PLEASE fake an emergency or something to get me off the phone with this lunatic?* OH MY GOD! Uh, the receptionist is going into labor! I really have to go now!!
Me: Alright, Randy...congratulations, you passed. You'll be getting a call from my financial adviser Gordon Gekko in about an hour or so.

Randy rushed off the phone so quickly that he forgot to mention that Republic Bank does have a website at

I also forgot to tell him that my terms also require a golden statue to be erected in my honor in the lobby of Republic Bank (he'll be totally cool with it) and that
he must wear the pink bunny ears at least once a week. Real men wear pink, Randy. Real men wear pink.

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