Sunday, July 29, 2012

This Week in Mayfair (07/29/12)

The dog days of summer are just gearing up for August and already the school supplies are out. Teachers are lamenting the expeditious passage of the summer while for most of the parents, the countdown is on. I have a tendency to sympathize with the teachers a little bit more just because my husband is one and I know how hard he works during the school year, often being up til the early hours of the morning either grading papers or trolling the internet for the perfect picture or video to get a point across to his kids.

Not that I don't sympathize with the parents, of course I do. Currently, I'm a stay-at-home mom to a 2 and 4 year old boy. Trust me, I'm familiar with the feeling of needing a drink prior to 9am in the morning and I'm usually covered in a mixture of peanut butter, snot, and some unidentifiable crust (Is that blood? What the??). I can also recite "Cars" line-by-line and can identify all of Thomas and his friends by the sound of their whistles. It's exhausting!! Add the summer heat, the endless chants of "I'MMMMMM BOOOOORED" starting 2 days after school lets out, and you're about ready to let them smear ice cream on the walls and watch Tarantino movies if it will keep them quiet and out of your hair for 10 minutes.

You don't want to deal with them one-on-one for 3 months. Imagine 36 of them for 9 months.

I'm pretty sure Scoats and staff at the Grey Lodge would make a fortune if they opened up a combo day camp/bar during the summer. What? A girl can dream. I know I would be there pretty much every day. Let's see....good food? Check. Other adults? Check. Television? Check. What I'm I forgetting?  Something important I know.....begins with a "B". Oh yeah. BOOZE. Check. Check. Check. And then if it gets too hot you just let them play behind the wet bar.

Here's the suggested curriculum I think any parent can get behind:

  • Arts and Craft Beer (Decorating your favorite pint of Yards with feathers, leather, and glitter)
  • Athletics (Keg Rolling, Darts, and Pool)
  • Food Prep (totally legal because the parents are PAYING the GL for this once in a lifetime experience. The highlight of the summer will be dropping fries into hot oil and watching them bubble.)
  • The Art of Tying One On (How to make knots. Duh.)
  • Music (I'm sure there's a karoke machine around here somewhere).
  • Making Friends with other MBA members (A visit to Camp Rauchut's Tavern includes a shuffleboard tournament and Camp Hammerheads is all about aquatic sports and fishing.)
  • Education (Quizzo, Wednesday nights at 8 on the second floor. Who says you never learned anything at camp except how to awkwardly kiss behind the mess hall and the finer points of TPing your bunk mate without waking them up?)
 Sure, once all the adults are properly sauced and the kids take over it will all devolve into a scene out of Bugsy Malone but that won't happen until at least mid-August so it's all good.  

You know what you can do about that whole boredom thing? Take the kids to The Perzel Agency and get insurance quotes for personal insurance (Auto, Home, Renters, Life). You will then be entered to win seats for a Phillies game (Section 131, Row 5--game to be determined).  While there, don't forget your $5.00 Wawa Gift Card. Just make sure you mention the MBA! All MBA members also qualify for a $25.00 Amazon Gift Card for getting a quote on your Business Insurance. No Purchase Necessary must be 18 years or older.

I got quotes on my life insurance and made Mike go through every possible type of freak summer accident that could happen to me. Here's the list I got quotes on:

1. Malaria. The mosquitoes are brutal this year, y'all.
2. Dying while watching that European dude on the beach bend over in that teensy little thong. Gags.

3. Pretending I'm part of the cast of the "Jersey Shore", drinking like a pre-preggo Snooki and walking into oncoming shore traffic. Wait. I probably won't die from that because it's TRAFFIC and therefore not moving. Hmmmmm. Let me ponder that one....

4. Getting caught in a sea battle between Mega-Shark and Giant Octopus while in the SIC. It could happen. Look at this picture. It's for reals yo.

5. Falling into a vat of milkshakes and drowning. I couldn't breathe because I had a mouthful of Douglass' Salt Water Taffy. Who the F**K puts a VAT of milkshakes in the middle of the Boardwalk??

I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!!!

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