Sunday, July 1, 2012

This Week in Mayfair (07/02/12)

Magic Mike =Harry Potter, The Desperate College Years
Riddle me this; Do you think the ridiculously hot temperatures over this past week are in direct correlation to the release of "Magic Mike" and the fact that most of the female populace of America is either starting or finishing the "50 Shades of Grey" series? Yeah. I didn't think so either. However I suppose I could make a good statistical chart convincing enough for Hollywood to award me with an Oscar if I really put my mind to it. Meh. Maybe next year. "True Blood" is on and what was I saying? Naked abs and sex? What the what now.....?

Did you know we have our very own "Coyote Ugly" here in Mayfair? Alright so maybe the flesh isn't as tanned and taut and the bartenders don't wear bustiers and thongs (that we know of *arch of the eyebrow*) but it's called the Grey Lodge Pub and it's our little piece of sexy beer heaven.  Underneath that hipster scruff, glorious beer knowledge, and the t-shirt of fabulously obscure bands (Feist) you've never heard of, beat the golden hearts of sex gods. Yes ladies, you heard me right, sex GODS. Grab your sweaty fistfuls of ones, your gray silk ties and breathless fantasies about BDSM (kinky bitches) and head on down to the GL. Quizzo is on Wednesday night starting at 8 and on full display are the men and their biggest organs. Seriously, there are huge brains EVERYWHERE. You thought I was going to say something else didn't you? That's because you're a depraved sex fiend. I'm not judging...just need to relax and take a cold shower. Jesus.
Who needs beefcake? I've got BRAINS!
Next to the GL the sexiest thing on the Ave is of course, "Magic Mike" Perzel. Mike gave up the flesh game years ago because he was being stalked by crazed females who just could. not. get. E. NOUGH. and went into the very safe and fully clothed business of selling insurance. (That pendulum sure swung waaaaaaay back). Now he's doing wholesome things like hosting prayer circles for sick kittens and eating all organic food regardless of the price. He's also giving away things like Phillies baseball tickets if you pole dance (hey, you can't leave that lifestyle behind entirely) your way into The Perzel Agency and get a quote on your personal insurance (Auto, Home, Renters, Life). You will then be entered to win seats (Section 131, Row 5--game to be determined).   While there, don't forget your $5.00 Wawa Gift Card. Just make sure you mention the MBA! All MBA members also qualify for a $25.00 Amazon Gift Card for getting a quote on your Business Insurance. No Purchase Necessary must be 18 years or older.

Pwease Mike Purrrzel, pway for me and all da udder sick kitties. Fank you.
So just a word of advice, if your wife/girlfriend/booty call is reading the "Grey" trilogy and is squealing into her phone about how she can't wait to see her favorite character in "Magic Mike", Big D**k Ritchie (I kid you not.), here are your options before she leaves you for some greasy, capitalizing d-bag;

1) Become a brooding billionaire with a penchants for spanking. Yeah, that's not going to happen; get a suit and a grey silk tie, tie her up, spank her, say "Laters Baby" when you leave the room (I guess. That's what I gather this book is about from reading Entertainment Weekly and Pinterest, which is where I get most of my knowledge about stuff from. Who's a deep thinker and has 2 thumbs? This girl.)

2) Get tear-a-way pants, some spray tanned abs, and get to grinding your junk on her face. (Call me Dr. Love.)
This is you. No denying it.

3) Sit back and wait for the Mayfair Baby-Boom of 2012. Bow chica wow wow.

Subsequently, if your significant other is reading the Grey triology for it's compelling literary story line and cries when it's not nominated for at least the Man Booker prize and then raves that Magic Mike deserves an Oscar you only have one option;
1) leave her desperate and dumb ass, Mr. Darcy (her cat), and her collection of dolls and knitted doilies.

And to leave you with one final scarring image, cause old people sex = icky, I would totally bet money that your mom and your elderly aunts have read the whole trilogy AND were first in line to see "Magic Mike". Don't even buy the line that they thought it was about "some nice, good-looking magician named Mike." Bunch of dirty old biddies like the Golden Girls (bless them). If you need me, I'll be at the Frankford/Cottman Triangle selling bleach for your eyes, booze for your soul,  and oddly enough, I'll have a spray tan booth set up. Who says capitalism is dead?  
I don't care if Aunt Linda's on the phone! I'm in the middle of something!

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