|Magic Mike =Harry Potter, The Desperate College Years|
Did you know we have our very own "Coyote Ugly" here in Mayfair? Alright so maybe the flesh isn't as tanned and taut and the bartenders don't wear bustiers and thongs (that we know of *arch of the eyebrow*) but it's called the Grey Lodge Pub and it's our little piece of sexy beer heaven. Underneath that hipster scruff, glorious beer knowledge, and the t-shirt of fabulously obscure bands (Feist) you've never heard of, beat the golden hearts of sex gods. Yes ladies, you heard me right, sex GODS. Grab your sweaty fistfuls of ones, your gray silk ties and breathless fantasies about BDSM (kinky bitches) and head on down to the GL. Quizzo is on Wednesday night starting at 8 and on full display are the men and their biggest organs. Seriously, there are huge brains EVERYWHERE. You thought I was going to say something else didn't you? That's because you're a depraved sex fiend. I'm not judging...just saying...you need to relax and take a cold shower. Jesus.
|Who needs beefcake? I've got BRAINS!|
|Pwease Mike Purrrzel, pway for me and all da udder sick kitties. Fank you.|
1) Become a brooding billionaire with a penchants for spanking. Yeah, that's not going to happen; get a suit and a grey silk tie, tie her up, spank her, say "Laters Baby" when you leave the room (I guess. That's what I gather this book is about from reading Entertainment Weekly and Pinterest, which is where I get most of my knowledge about stuff from. Who's a deep thinker and has 2 thumbs? This girl.)
2) Get tear-a-way pants, some spray tanned abs, and get to grinding your junk on her face. (Call me Dr. Love.)
|This is you. No denying it.|
3) Sit back and wait for the Mayfair Baby-Boom of 2012. Bow chica wow wow.
Subsequently, if your significant other is reading the Grey triology for it's compelling literary story line and cries when it's not nominated for at least the Man Booker prize and then raves that Magic Mike deserves an Oscar you only have one option;
1) leave her desperate and dumb ass, Mr. Darcy (her cat), and her collection of dolls and knitted doilies.
And to leave you with one final scarring image, cause old people sex = icky, I would totally bet money that your mom and your elderly aunts have read the whole trilogy AND were first in line to see "Magic Mike". Don't even buy the line that they thought it was about "some nice, good-looking magician named Mike." Bunch of dirty old biddies like the Golden Girls (bless them). If you need me, I'll be at the Frankford/Cottman Triangle selling bleach for your eyes, booze for your soul, and oddly enough, I'll have a spray tan booth set up. Who says capitalism is dead?
|I don't care if Aunt Linda's on the phone! I'm in the middle of something!|