I really wanted to do this will and testament as a video blog on Saturday night while at my friends Jess and Nick's wedding but nobody wants to be subjected to an hour and half video of me dancing like a fool, spilling vodka tonics on myself, stuffing cake in my face, and slurring out "No! YOU'RE an a**hole!". Plus there's probably something non-binding about me not being in my right "frame of mind" considering I would be visibly intoxicated or some such legal crap when I give my collection of vintage My Little Pony figurines to both you AND my sister and it ends up blowing up into this big thing. Trust me. No one wants to start a war like that. Alright maybe the Iranians do. Hands off my Cotton Candy and Butterscotch, Ahmadinejad!
Alright, so let me give you a little background on what happened here or at least events leading up to and around my imminent demise. I can't give you a minute by minute because that's the Delaware state coroner's job. Just know, if he says it's because I fell off a 4-wheeler (or pick-up truck) while driving around the QVC parking lot blasting 80's hair band music (When in Rome), he's only half right.
So anyway, a couple months ago I found out my friend Clare's husband, Matt wasn't planning on coming to Jess and Nick's nuptials because he's in a wedding the night before and thought it might be too much because we're all "OLD" and have "KIDS". I told him to stop worrying about further damaging his delicate girl parts and to get his Italian ass down to the first state because it was going to be a rocking good time and all of the college peeps hadn't been together since the last wedding which was about about 10 years ago. Matt took this to heart and threw the gauntlet my way. However, what started out as a 3-shot challenge of Matt's choice to me has somehow morphed into Matt and I going toe-to-toe and drink-for-drink at this wedding and will most likely end in me passed out in a bathtub or on the golf course while Matt calmly sips whiskey over my lifeless body and laughs with my husband.
(**For the record, Jess the bride also chimed in and called Matt "W-E-A-K" for not coming, but apparently it's rude in this country to make the bride puke on herself and the dress she spent thousands of dollars. I say that's a bunch of bull since it's the 21st century and women's rights, yadda, yadda, yadda. Especially when said modern females happen to be right, albeit big mouthed.)
|Welcome to the first state.|
|The original challenge.|
|Technically this should be Jess.|
So here is my final bequest to you; a list of phrases, sayings or actions that I've wanted to incorporate into the blog that I never had a chance to use. What? You guys don't keep a list of phrases that you think up to use on special blogging occasions? Oh that's just me? Well, we've already established the fact that I am indeed a NERD so we'll just leave it at that. Please enjoy these final moments of what I thought were future out-of-context comic gems.
1. *Jazz hands*
2. Obviously the brakes are busted on that car because she drove right past loonyville and straight into crazy town.
3. Nobody puts Scoatsie in a corner.
4. I mean really, what's not funny about numerous and random dick jokes?
5. This ad because God himself may have written it.
8. Listen, I knocked. It was YOUR grandmom who heard it and proceeded on her quest to make out with the dog.
9. It's really is only a matter of time before Kermit and Ms. Piggy come out with a sex tape.
10. Ectoplasm is just one of those words that can be used in a variety of ways and it can either sound intelligent or sorta pervy. See also: Vortex, Booboisie, Puisne, Supererogation, Snollygoster.
(Blog aside: I'm not even kidding you when I say Matt is sh*t-talk texting (STT) me as I compose this blog. He's claiming he was going to take it easy on me until he found out we won't be there til later because we have "responsibilites" (read: kids) and now he's upset because he wanted to pre-game and play golf with the hubby. Somehow this is my fault, so we're back to "I'm going to eff you up status". Will I have NO peace on my final night on earth??)
So now you know how it all ended for me and honestly, it's really not how I pictured it at all. I imagined something noble like falling off a mountain while trying to save orphaned baby goats.
|I'll save you baby goats!|
Or glamorous or even slightly scandalous.
|This covers both a glamorous and scandalous way to die.|
Naturally, I've always assumed it would involve alcohol . I mean, when God wants to call you home, he does it. And apparently, He wants to call me home at end of a raucous wedding of a good friend on the picturesque beaches of the Delaware coast while I'm ass up in a sand trap. Who am I to question?
|My odds of survival= slim to none.|
So what will I miss this week in Mayfair? Well, my funeral for one, which you better all be at otherwise I will haunt the ever loving poo out of you. I want to be laid in state at the Grey Lodge Pub where I can be surrounded by craft beers and quality servers who will be sure to send me off the proper Irish way; in a sea of tears(fake it til you make it), whiskey and beer. Unfortunatley, it can't be on Tuesday (Lucky 13 Homebrewers Club Meeting, 7:30 to 8:30), or on Wednesday at 8pm (Quizzo) which I would still win even though rigor mortis has clearly set in, I can't write anymore and more importantly, my brain is leaking out my ears. That's why I have 3 other teammates to hold the pen for me and wipe up the mess. You'd BETTER lose to my team and my (clearly) dead body or I start randomly appearing in your mirrors and writing things like "Die" and "You're not getting anything in your tax returns this year." BooooBOOOOOO!!!!!
Rich wrote to Scoats: "Apparently on October 14, 1978, President Jimmy Carter signed a bill making it legal for Americans to make their own beer. I was hoping to commemorate this day, you could put something special on your schedule of events!" So Scoats made it happen and the "Home Brew Legalization Day" celebration was born. So homebrewers, bring some of your beer to swap with other brewers. However, please note that due to liquor laws (blah), you'll have to drink any home brews at home. Sorry kids. Dems is the rules....
|People of America, I give you "Home Brew Legalization Day" and an international crisis.|
(New text from Matt: "I'm willing to sacrifice my own well-being tomorrow to make you suffer." I told him I was planning on carb loading and hydrating all day tomorrow (if only I had this type of focus at the gym) and eating the entire bread basket myself to buy me an hour. He evil "LOL'd" at me. I'm so effed.)
Well kids, it's been nice knowing you all. I hope you've been at least mildly entertained by me in some capacity. Do me a favor and be nice to the new blogger. Rarely does depraved lightening strike twice.